Fantasy Football: Volume II: Chapter 9

November 2, 2016

Volume II: Chapter 9: The Plague

“We Spaniards know a sickness of the heart that only gold can cure.”

-Hernan Cortes

In the words of Peter Snodgrass, “I am too sick to write the opening for Gurus,” so, I decided to write a short story instead.

Once upon a time, in a galaxy far, far away, lived a fantasy football player named Erithan. Erithan believed he could do anything. From flying like superman, and swimming like aquaman, Erithan even thought he could be good at fantasy football.  

But Erithan sucked at fantasy football. He was so bad at fantasy football that people began to take notice. People watched his stupidity, so much so, that the nationally paper of Imanidiot (the country Erithan is from) chronicled his past trade: which was DuJuan Harris (an undrafted free agent, who was cut right after the trade) for a 5th round draft pick. It was inexcusably the worst trade ever that eventually caused the plague that is consuming Palo Alto High School  So next time you see Erithan, thank them for making you sick.

*Erithan was renamed for artistic purposes and to keep them anonymous. Since, the gurus are pathological liars, as we create lies every week, Erithan was a mixture of Ethan Stern and Eric Maser because they are horrific at Fantasy Football.

Matchups from Week

We missed two weeks and are too lazy to put these in, but here’s the rundown: Peter, Ben, and Steven are good; Jordan, Jamie, and Dillon are just behind them; Eric and Ethan suck.

Love/Hate List

Steven Marinkovich

Love: Jimmy Graham – Jimmy Graham has been very solid this year. He is not back to his Saints self, but he is definitely headed in the right direction. Graham has a very favorable matchup this week against the porous Buffalo Bills defense and this could be his opportunity to break out and put up the numbers we used to associate with Jimmy Graham.

Hate: Kelvin Benjamin – In my opinion, Benjamin has been a disappointment this season, only putting up double digits once. Despite still ranking 17th in fantasy points for wide receivers, that is not optimal for a perceived WR1. He doesn’t have the best matchup this week at the LA Rams and I anticipate another single digit outing.

Ben Cleasby

Love: Drew Brees – So far this season, Brees has only one game where he put up below a 20. He averages the most points per game and is among the elite quarterbacks that should be played regardless of matchup. This week he plays the Niners, a terrible defense. The Niners are already starting to feel their stomachs turn by the mere fact that they have to face Brees. He is going to throw some monster bombs right in the cradling arms of Brandin Cooks and may even feel some love for Fleener or Snead. Even if you put in Mr. Butterhands, Drew Brees will somehow find a way to get him the ball. Play Brees, no matter what.

Hate: Spencer Ware – It’s a TRAP!!!!!! There is no way anybody should be able to play in a football after sustaining a concussion. Ware is dazed and confused, his brain can’t function and he will probably not play. Considering this, Ware owners should be quick to pick up Charcandrick West who is also a dominant running back, averaging 4.2 ypc and going up against a mediocre Jaguars defense. Even if Ware plays he’s still more susceptible to getting another concussion and will be seeing stars. This man will get you nowhere.

Ethan Stern

Love: Donte Moncrief – I wasn’t always a believer in this man right here. But then he showed me the heart within himself. Almost everyone in the industry counted Donte out. They said his days were long over and he was all hype at that this point. He responded by coming back from his hiatus with an umph and cementing the fact that he is indeed a threat. He has a special connection with his main boy Andrew Luck that allows them to live for the endzone together. Look for Moncrief to scoop up a pair of TDs this week against Green Bay’s gross pass defense.

Hate: Frank Gore – I respect Frank Gore’s craft, but the facts are the facts and the man is probably the biggest fossil RB in the league. He’s been in the league since ‘05, but for some reason it feels as if his origins in the football league of the nation date back to the great industrial revolution of the 1760s. Going against a firm Green Bay run defense, I just can’t conceive Franky boy putting up anything north of six fantasy points.

Peter Snodgrass

I would like to start my column off by addressing my fellow guru, Ethan Stern, who is a 2-6 fantasy football player this year.

Love: Ty Montgomery – Somehow, I found Montgomery on the waiver wire. One of the most versatile players in the league, you know that if he plays at 100%, Rodgers will force feed him.  Look for Montgomery to have a bounceback week.

Hate: Demaryius Thomas –  RAIIIIDDDEEERRRRSSSS. Yup, that’s right, he is playing the Raiders.  ‘Nuff said.

Jamie Cullen

Love: Aaron Rodgers – Rodgers is on a hot streak. Don’t mess wit’ em. After a slow start to the year Rodgers is finally hitting his stride. All the Packers running backs are injured, so even the backs in the backfield are actually receivers for Rodgers to throw to. The Packers are going to continue to pass the ball an unreasonable amount this week against the porous Indianapolis defense.

Hate: Michael Crabtree – Crabtree has had an impressive season up to this point, even outplaying fellow receiver Amari Cooper at times. However, Cooper has started to heat up in recent weeks, and Derek Carr has started to look his way more often. In addition, Crabtree is facing the dirty Denver D this week. Don’t expect a huge week from the Crab.

Dillon Scheel

Love: Le’veon Bell – It’s all about reliable volume of touches. In a league that uses a lot of running back committees, Le’eon gets nearly 25 touches per game. He has yet to score this season, but he has put up at least 12 fantasy points in standard leagues in every game this season. I expect him to find the endzone this week against Baltimore and I give him a 15 point fantasy floor.

Hate: Mark Ingram – Sean Payton hates fumbles. Don’t be fooled by the matchup this week against San Francisco. With fumbles in two straight games, the Saints’ head coach has lost quite a bit of trust in Ingram. Seeing that Tim Hightower saw 20+ touches last week versus Seattle, I expect a committee style approach this week in the Saints’ run game.

Deep Sleeper of the Week

Percy Harvin – This guy came out of retirement and has had a disappointment of an NFL career. If he can somehow recapture the ability he showed at Florida seven years back, he could have some success the week. I mean he probably won’t, but that’s why he’s a deep sleeper.

Bold Prediction of the Week – The Gurus won’t have another two week bye this season

This Week’s Matchups

Ethan Stern V. Steven Marinkovich

Ben Cleasby V. Jamie Cullen

Dillon Scheel V. Eric Maser

Jordan Schilling V. Peter Snodgrass

Tweet the gurus any questions you have about your team @VikingFantasyFB

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